Good = Good and Bad = Bad

I had a good two weeks of being good. Being good is eating well, meditating, being calm, not drinking, cutting out sugar, being outside and generally taking care of myself. Good is me feeling happy. Good is me not screaming at everyone around me.

Being good = feeling good = being well.

Of course it was about time for the next huge blow. My hubby got made redundant. Bang. There it is. More stress.

So where am I now? I’ve been shouting at the kids all day, I’m not sleeping and when I do I’m having hideous dreams (Hannibal Lecter last night), I’ve not put my phone down all day, I’ve eaten a shed load of biscuits and I’m sure alcohol will feature at 5 o’clock.

Stress = Being Bad = not getting better.

So how when these periods of stress happen do we (the mental patients) not descend into the darkness?

All of my personal development, blogging, courses, counselling etc tells me that I should be upping the calm. Doing all of those things on my ‘looking after myself list.’ Putting in place my action plan for not letting it effect me.

But in reality, it doesn’t work. My broken brain doesn’t act rationally or logically.

My husband got made redundant. So that day I spent the day researching redundancy. I spent the day worrying about the future. And I treated myself to a shed load of comfort food (crap & sugar).

I did not say, oh my husband has been made redundant I’ll meditate. I won’t worry about it. I’ll eat some healthy food. Stress just doesn’t work like that. Not for me anyway. Not while my brain is broken.

So two weeks later here’s where we are:

  • Kids are off school = stress
  • Husband is home all the time = stress
  • Tired from not sleeping = stress
  • Eating crap = fat stomach = stress

Stress feeds stress. Stress feeds hypomania and then depression. Rinse, recycle, repeat.

Maybe writing this down will be the joint that stops it. Maybe the diazepam will help.

I’ll let you know tomorrow!

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