Do you ever wonder how you’ve got here? The screaming/blubbering/ghostlike/anti-human that is you at your mental-health nightmare-worst. Back again.

I think to myself in times like these… well I ate well, I exercised, I took my meds, I asked for help. But still, I ended up back here… again.

It takes me by surprise every time. Should it? Well, probably not. I guess I’m still hoping that the last time will be the last time. I’m still hoping that the period of well will stay that way. But then the perfect storm of life/work/family/relationships/disaster/money/busyness/stress/fucking covid happens again and here I am, back to the she-beast of a mental patient.

I recently told my story, my mental health journey, to some relative strangers. They asked, so I told them. I think being open about it will help me and hopefully help other people. I told them the meds I was on, I told them why, I answered their questions. I ended the conversation by saying ‘it’s really sad because I wish I could go back to me. The one before the crazy. But it’s never going to happen. I’m going to have this forever. I’m going to have to manage this for the rest of my life.’ No answer was their reply.

And it’s true. I remember the physiatrist who diagnosed me saying that I’d be on meds for at least three years. Three years have come and gone. This period of crazy is as bad as it’s ever been. The meds (quetiapine and diazepam) make me less angry and more manageable. They bring me down enough that I’m not streaking naked in the street shouting profanity at strangers. But it’s bad enough.

Will it ever get better? I bloody hope so. I know that my current situation (don’t ask) will get better. I know what I need to do to help myself, I’m trying really bloody hard. And I know that eventually I’ll have more people around me that get it, get me, and will help. I just wish it was now. I want to be better, I’m f’ing fed up with being ill. But I’m also fed up with climate change and patriarchy and the bad people of this world. We all must be better… let’s get working on that… right now.

Stay strong. You’re not alone.

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